sigh.
what a sucky day.
today... i went bersek.
i locked myself up in my room.
all i did was to keep punching my pillow, punching mr polar bear.
that was all i could do to let it out.
deep down i scolded all the nasty words that i knew...
sleeves were wet from snobb.
eyes were swollen from overflow of H2O + NaCl.
all my parents did was to just rub it in.. rub it down hard.
no, not my parents. JUST MY MUM ALONE. just my mum alone... even till now she just has to keep repeating. eff you see kay.
and today. i couldnt get a grip of myself.
i've never seeen myself being in this state before. ever.
first time in my 18 years.
i seriously could catergorise myself under the bersek catergory.
only till i cooled down. then i thought ...
what just happened? i felt as tough i was possesed.
i was so mad so upset so vexed so depressed so un-understood so lost ... so eff-ed up ... that with every sentence my mum shot at me, i shouted back with..... with....
with...? this shakin voice i do not know how to explain .__.
every breathe i took was heavy...
so angry tht i couldnt breathe right...
so angry tht breathin became a VOICE tht i couldnt control...
cause it was simply just too heavy too loud...
i was seriously insane.
i heard myself breathe.. and its shockin to hear..
but i couldnt help it.
i really couldnt and i dont know why.
all i knew... was tht i was shaking..
shakin cause of anger.... shakin cause of lost.... shakin cause of hopelessness.... shakin cause of being alone...... and of course ..shakin cause of the cold...
i swear. i dont know what in the world made me behave like that.
ive never seen myself like this before...
till now ... i cant believe tht it just happened.
sigh.
sigh.
sigh....
i never wanna see myself ever in tht state again.
let.this.be.the.last.time.
sigh. im feelin so depressed now.
im thinkin...
was what just happened ...... one of my other unseeen sides?
or am i just sufferring from the aftermath of the fact tht i have to wait for a longer time? or not being able to at all...
but seriously.
cant she just understand...
that something you've been planning for sooo long... failed.
not once... but TWICE?
you get hyped up ... when u have the perfect plan.
and realised. no, its not possible.
find another way.
and so i did.
till i found it. the most perfect date.
perfect. really perfect.
so confident, so willing, so into it, and its somehow your motivation for the year...
and booom? once again. something you've been anticipating for so long aint gonna go your way?
sigh. tell me. the feelin sucks right?
yes it totally does.
i found out. that the dates dont fit.
which made me go quiet all evening.
till SHE had to rub it in . huh just to make everything a little spicier.
what was she... bored or something?
gawd. yes i will blame it on manopause.
and i will always.
sigh. sigh someone tell me wad to do?
overall. it dont sound like a big problem does it?
no.. it doesnt at all.
but im just so so so affected so vexedd...
yes i know some of you dont know wad im talkin about..
but some things cant be explained word by word.
i just needed a little way out of this.
so i turned to bloggin.
alright.
im done with my piece.
im glad my camera and laptop is still alive.
if i hadnt kept myself against the wall...
i dont think i'll be able to type this post...
or shoot anymore pictures with my camera.
now tht would be another big problem .__.
and this is the reason why i need a big plushie on my bed.
i shall end here.
ta.
LaLaLa & it ends here~ 11:49 AM